Growing & Keeping Romance Alive

Aug 22

Aug 22 Growing & Keeping Romance Alive

My husband and I are highschool sweethearts. We’ve been together now for 15 years, and married for 10 (as of July 2019). We are often complimented by our friends who tell us that they view our relationship as an example of what a romantic relationship should be.

As a matter of fact, I’ve now had not one but two of our couple friends ask me to officiate their wedding ceremonies!

With this in mind, I thought it might be nice for me to put into words some of my musings on what I think makes our relationship work.

Please keep in mind, I am not a therapist. I do not hold a license or degree that qualifies me as an expert. But my husband and I do have healthy boundaries, good communication and come from homes with happily married parents that served as a great example of what a healthy loving marriage looked like. These tips are what worked/works for us.

1.) Don’t be afraid to be silly. It’s tough to be “on” all the time. You need someone that lets you be unabashedly yourself without being afraid of judgement. Whether you are singing silly made-up songs, dancing around the living room, doing some kind of weird impersonation or whatever. If you can’t let your freak flag fly around your soulmate, they aren’t your soulmate. This is one of the biggest things I look for when I am meeting someone that a good friend has started dating. If I sense that they are a different version of themselves— (ie. one that has to hide their weird a little bit) I’m not so convinced they found “the one”.

“We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

―Dr. Seuss

2.) Keep it flirty. I like wearing pretty underthings. Not just for my hubby, but for me, too. It makes me feel more confident knowing I have on something pretty under my clothes. It might make it more likely I’ll be “in the mood” and the same for him. Invest in a pretty nightie or a slinky robe and wear them around the house. (Sometimes I wear an oversized t-shirt and yoga pants, too—trust me. But not allowing that to be the default prevents things from going stale.) If you have kids and can’t parade around your house in negligee— him just getting a glimpse of you dressing or undressing is more than enough- but if it’s the same plain beige t-shirt bra, it’s not as exciting as maybe something with a little lace would be.

3.) Ban TV from the bedroom. Aside from all the studies that show television in your bedroom (especially if it’s on while you’re sleeping) can lead to poor quality sleep, we believe that the bedroom is for sleep or sex. We don’t even have a TV in our bedroom. After we are finished watching tv (in the living room), it gets turned off and we move to a different room. It allows us to focus on one thing at a time.

4.) Dream together. Planning something together is so good for your relationship. Whether it’s a fun weekend with friends, a big summer vacation, or a home improvement project—these things allow you to share ideas and work together. It also gives you things to be excited about for the future.

5.) Cook/Eat together. Not everyone is a cook. Maybe you’re the main cook—maybe your spouse is. I usually do most of the cooking, but there are some recipes that are his thing, and he’s always willing to help me out as my sous chef helping prep veggies, or measure out seasonings for me if I ask. Cooking together not only makes it so the burden doesn’t fall on one person, it doubles as quality time spent together, and an opportunity for teamwork. Your schedules may not allow for this daily, but at least once a week, I recommend making this a priority.

6.) Fight fair. No name-calling. Ever. No hitting. Ever. These boundaries are so important. When you are with your spouse you are safe. It is absolutely imperative that you both know that. If you aren’t safe with your partner, then what the heck is the point?! There is a difference in calling someone an asshole and saying they are acting like an asshole. It’s also helpful to learn how your partner behaves during a fight. Do they need to talk things through and get a resolution immediately? (I do—thankfully, Nick is usually this way too). Things can get complicated when your argument style is different from your that of your spouse. It doesn’t mean it can’t work, but it does mean you’ll have to adjust for each other. I once had a friend whose husband needed that instant resolution, but she needed some time and space to simmer down or she was afraid she would say or do something she would regret. She knew to ask for the space, but when he would insist on hugging and talking it through immediately anyway, it made her feel disrespected and things would escalate instead. They needed to communicate their needs better. Ideally, he needed to give her space for a few hours, but ask that they come together to talk about it later that night or the next day so they could both get what they needed. They’re not together anymore.

7.) Touch eachother. It doesn’t always have to be the sexy kind of touch, either. Hold hands, hug, kiss. Give your spouse a neck massage, squeeze their hand, or their arm, or their leg. Run your nails along the nape of his neck. Have him lightly stroke your back, or play with your hair. Touch is so important to humans. Click here to read more on that.

8.) Don’t let “I love you” become automatic. If you just automatically say it and reply back, it doesn’t mean as much anymore. Say it and mean it. Try changing it up. Sometimes Nick says “You’re my sweet wifer” and I say back “you’re my sweet hubber”. Sometimes when Nick says “I love you” I respond “I know” (not in the arrogant Han Solo kind of way, but in an affirming I-know-because-you-make-me-feel-loved kind of way) and after a moment’s pause, I tell him I love him too. We honestly have too many weird ways of telling each other we love one another but I’ll stop there so you don’t throw up a little in your mouth.

9.) Actually listen. Sometimes I need a reminder on this. When you ask how their day is, don’t just wait until they’re done speaking so it’s your turn. Digest the information. Ask them specific questions. Where did they go for lunch? How is that project that they’ve been working on lately? Stop scrolling on your phone. Give them your full attention.

10.) Gift thoughtfully. If you do “actually listen” this becomes easier. Because you can’t help but think of them when you see things you know they’ll love, or will make life easier. Gifts don’t have to be things either. They can be gestures or experiences. The other evening, Nick had been complaining that his neck hurt. While he was watching TV, I massaged his neck with Biofreeze and then put a warm neck wrap on him completely unprompted. A gift certificate to his favorite online music shop, a surprise trip to a brewery he likes, a pedicure when his feet have been particularly tired. Bonus—doing these things for your partner often makes them want to reciprocate. When I travel for work, sometimes I’ll leave a sweet card or note behind for him to read while I’m gone or I’ll bring him back something that made me think of him while I was away. One time it was a Magritte postcard from an art museum, other times it’s beer or a t-shirt from a brewery he likes. It’s kind of silly, but I got him a subscription to Me Undies and I pick out what print/color he’s getting every month. It’s a small little gift, but he enjoys getting it and being surprised. (He now has amassed a huge collection of the softest underwear in fun patterns from sharks to llamas, and Star Wars- if you click the link and order, you’ll get 20% off).

11.) Communicate. Don’t play games. Even if you’ve been together for awhile, your partner can’t read your mind. The silent treatment never works. They may know something is off, and you may think they should know what they did—-but they don’t always. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was telling Nick I had been getting overwhelmed with some tasks around the house and that I felt he wasn’t helping. This came up after I asked for his help with the laundry. Why on earth had it taken me so long to ask him for his help? It wasn’t like he was purposely avoiding helping me. He just—spaced out—-didn’t realize that he literally hadn’t done a load of laundry in months if it wasn’t putting his sopping wet hockey clothes in the washer immediately after a game (and then never touching them again). Should he have realized it? Yeah—probably. But he wasn’t not doing the laundry just to spite me. Consider, also, that sometimes we think we have communicated, but what we said isn’t what your partner understood it to mean. You remember the whole blue/black or white/gold dress thing in 2015? How about the whole Laurel/Yanny sound clip of 2018? It showed that millions of people could see or hear the exact same thing and be completely convinced that they heard or saw something completely different. It also makes me think of a clip from the show Silicon Valley where character Gavin Belson wants his team to clean off the bear-shaped container of honey. He says “The bear is sticky with honey,” and his team goes crazy trying to decipher what it is he means. He later returns to find the honey still a mess and thinks they aren’t listening to him, even though they’ve gone through the trouble of getting a live bear to use in a demonstration for his speech.

12.) Spend some time apart. I don’t want to be anybody’s “everything” it’s honestly just too much pressure. I want him to have interests outside of me and I want to be able to do things without him sometimes, too. Nick enjoys hockey. He plays on a league and he also has a band (that just got signed!!) he also likes to go to (beer) bottle shares. I don’t really have any organized events like that but I do like to have a girl’s night, I have had jobs that require frequent travel, or I want to spend time on an art project or cooking, or go to a yoga class, or watch a trashy show on Bravo to spend some time alone. That’s not to say that I won’t go watch a hockey game to support him, listen to a band practice (or woman the Merch booth at a show), or sometimes attend a beer snob event to spend time with him and make sure he gets home safely. I absolutely will do those things, too- but the fact that we do spend time apart makes it more special when we have the time to spend together. Plus he doesn’t feel guilty that I’m bored, or that he’s dragging me alone—-and I don’t have to be bored. Win-win.

13.) Be considerate. Honestly, this may be the solution to most of the world. I’m naturally a very empathetic person. It’s almost too easy for me to consider what it might feel like to be in another person’s shoes. Being considerate is something that I have had to sometimes ask Nick to do for me. I’ve never been a big drinker. That’s not to say I don’t drink or I have never been drunk—but compared to the average person I drink very seldom. In college, he began to just assume without asking that I would be DD and it bothered me. What if I wanted to let my hair down and party a little? If we get there and he just proceeds as usual with zero discussion, it felt like he didn’t care about what I wanted to do. When I pointed it out, he felt awful. I knew he didn’t mean anything by it, which is why I brought it to his attention. Some nights maybe he could be DD or we would at least plan where we would stay or how to get home instead (this was pre Uber and Lyft). The same applies to making plans apart. I want him to communicate when he has his own plans with me so I can make plans of my own. I don’t exactly need him to ask permission, but I want to know he is considerate by consulting with me instead of just saying “I’m going out for drinks after work tonight.” That statement may seem benign, but to me it kind of feels like “this is what I’m doing, I could care less what you do.” Checking in with me and saying “Hey babe, is it ok if I meet Cole for a drink after work tonight?" gives me the opportunity to say, “don’t forget we have plans for dinner at 7” or, “I had a bad day at work, mind if I join?”.

14.) Compliment one another. Sometimes I think women forget to compliment their man. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re sexy. Tell ‘em you like their butt, or their beard, or their eyes. I’m so lucky that Nick literally tells me he thinks I’m beautiful every day. He says it different times of the day. But he also tells me I’m smart. He tells me I’m thoughtful, or that he’s proud of me. Tell your man those things too. It lets them feel appreciated and valued. You may think they know, but many of us doubt ourselves all the time and it helps to know that you are your favorite person’s favorite person, too.

15.) Apologize. If you realize you’ve been snippy, or (gasp) you were wrong about something, acknowledge it. It validates your partners feelings to know that you realize when you mess up and you’re genuinely remorseful when you make a mistake.

16.) Talk about large purchases. This could fall under the category of being considerate. Would you appreciate it if your partner blew a few hundred bucks without talking to you? Especially if you have combined finances, conversations about how you spend money are important. Maybe you want to pull the trigger on something you’ve been wanting for awhile and it’s finally on sale! It’s a no-brainer! But if you bring it to your spouse’s attention first, they may be able to point out that your vehicle registration renewal is coming up or there’s a large medical bill that needs to be paid—something that maybe you didn’t think of. It’s not exactly fun, but being on the same page about your finances will save you both a lot of stress in the long run and will make your partner feel included.

17.) Set boundaries. Sometimes I hear people talk about an argument with their partner and I think to myself “Nick would never speak to me like that.” But I also realize, I would never allow him to speak to me like that, either. Sometimes they’re big things. Sometimes it’s seemingly smaller things that are asserting dominance by speaking for your partner, instead of allowing them to voice their own opinion. I can’t tell you how or when we set these boundaries, but I know that if Nick treated me in these ways it would be a steady downward slope. When we first started dating in high school, for example, I immediately explained to Nick that he would never be able to dictate who I could or couldn’t be friends with. I had seen other friends have jealous boyfriends prevent them from seeing their male friends. I had a lot of guy friends (I always have) and I was unwilling to bend on it. I told him if he had a problem with me hanging out with my friends, I was going to have a problem with him and that would be that. Thankfully, Nick was never insecure and he had friends who were female. We were in 100% agreement, and we never had a problem in that regard. It is also of note that sometimes your boundaries will be different than those of others and that’s okay.

18.) Gently correct. If I’m wrong, I need my friends and especially my partner to tell me. Being a supportive partner doesn’t always mean unconditional support. It means unconditional love even though you are flawed, but they should also be able to speak up and say “hey babe—you were being a little judgemental back there” or “you know—I didn’t like the way you handled that situation.” if I am being an ass, I don’t want the people around me blindly supporting me, I want them to tell me I’m being an ass! If somehow I didn’t realize it on my own, how else am I supposed to know?

19.) Be the right partner. This poem was framed and given to my husband and me when we got married. It was from the nuns that lived across from him when he was a kid in Fort Worth. I have always thought the poem really summed it all up quite well and has been the way we have always aimed to treat eachother:

The Art of Marriage
by Wilferd Arlan

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created.

In the art of marriage the little things are the big things…

It is never being too old to hold hands.

It is remembering to say “I love you” at least once a day.

It is never going to sleep angry.

It is at no time taking the other for granted;
The courtship should not end with the honeymoon,
it should continue through all the years.

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world.

It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.

It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude
of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.

It is speaking words of appreciation
and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.

It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience,
understanding and a sense of humor.